where the bulls are fake, the bears are drunk, and the charts are all feelings
welcome to fuck markets
Real-Time Market Data*
| Asset | Last Price | 24h Change | Sentiment | Notes |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Bitcoin | $69,420 | +∞% | 🚀🚀🚀 | “Number go up” is a research methodology. |
| Tesla | $420.69 | -13% | 🙃 | CEO tweeted; physics filed a complaint. |
| GameStop | $1,337 | +900% | 🧻🦍 | r/wallstreetbets switched from therapy to options. |
| Coffee Futures | $3.50 | +12% | ☕ | Fueling analysts since forever. |
| VIX (Feelings Index) | Unquantifiable | +anxiety | 😵💫 | Now tracking number of open Fed tabs. |
Join the Highway to Helheim
For the truly seasoned investor: the ones who’ve watched their portfolio crash so hard it opened a portal. Celebrate your fiscal suffering with our ‘My Portfolio Went to Helheim’ tee — perfect for earnings calls, therapy, and crying in the shower.
Destroyer of Net Worth
The official uniform of catastrophic financial decisions- forged in the fiery breath of the Debt Dragon itself, for investors brave enough to lose everything and still ask their bank about increasing their limit.
For the Animal Lovers
Your portfolio may be dead, but your sense of humor is still liquid. Celebrate your journey from investor to enthusiastic dumpster economist with this essential tee featuring a graph that looks like it fell down the stairs and a squirrel named Marvin who’s absolutely judging your life decisions.
We’re not traders. We’re trauma survivors.
Founded in a moment of sheer panic and caffeine overdose, Fuck Markets began as a group chat for people who lost money and their sanity in 2020. Now we’re a full-blown anti-financial-media experiment dedicated to helping you laugh through your losses.
Merch for the Mentally Liquidated
Our merch store exists for one reason: retail therapy. When your net worth collapses, at least you can wrap yourself in a hoodie that says “I Believed in Tech Stocks.” Each purchase funds our caffeine habit and ongoing denial campaign. Because nothing says fiscal responsibility like spending $45 on irony.
They Came. They Invested. They Cried. They Came Again.
"I turned $10,000 into $82… and a valuable life lesson about leverage. Fuck Markets didn’t just ruin my portfolio- it gave me a personality."
Chad B., Former Millionaire (Now Roommate of Parents)
"After the crash, I lost my Lambo, my boyfriend, and my will to check CoinMarketCap. But thanks to F*ck Markets, I gained a meme collection that’s priceless. Literally. No one will buy them."
Vanessa L., Ex-Crypto Queen
"I lost all my assets but found inner peace. My financial advisor ghosted me, but F*ck Markets’ ‘Coping Through Collapse’ newsletter filled the void."
Priya K., Spiritual Investor