{"id":33,"date":"2025-11-04T04:01:25","date_gmt":"2025-11-04T04:01:25","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/fuck.markets\/?page_id=33"},"modified":"2026-02-19T01:47:05","modified_gmt":"2026-02-19T01:47:05","slug":"home","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/fuck.markets\/","title":{"rendered":"Home"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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where the bulls are fake, the bears are drunk, and the charts are all feelings<\/h2>

welcome to fuck markets<\/h3>\t\t\t
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Real-Time Market Data*<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t*All numbers may be imaginary. Some might even be from Monopoly.\n
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Asset<\/th>\nLast Price<\/th>\n24h Change<\/th>\nSentiment<\/th>\nNotes<\/th>\n<\/tr>\n<\/thead>\n
Bitcoin<\/td>\n$69,420<\/td>\n+\u221e%<\/td>\n\ud83d\ude80\ud83d\ude80\ud83d\ude80<\/td>\n\u201cNumber go up\u201d is a research methodology.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Tesla<\/td>\n$420.69<\/td>\n-13%<\/td>\n\ud83d\ude43<\/td>\nCEO tweeted; physics filed a complaint.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
GameStop<\/td>\n$1,337<\/td>\n+900%<\/td>\n\ud83e\uddfb\ud83e\udd8d<\/td>\nr\/wallstreetbets switched from therapy to options.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Coffee Futures<\/td>\n$3.50<\/td>\n+12%<\/td>\n\u2615<\/td>\nFueling analysts since forever.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
VIX (Feelings Index)<\/td>\nUnquantifiable<\/td>\n+anxiety<\/td>\n\ud83d\ude35\u200d\ud83d\udcab<\/td>\nNow tracking number of open Fed tabs.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n<\/div>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t
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\n\t\t\t\t\"helheim\"\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t
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Join the Highway to Helheim<\/h2>

For the truly seasoned investor: the ones who\u2019ve watched their portfolio crash so hard it opened a portal. Celebrate your fiscal suffering with our \u2018My Portfolio Went to Helheim\u2019 tee \u2014 perfect for earnings calls, therapy, and crying in the shower.<\/p>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t

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\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\tKidneys must be in pristine condition.\t\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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\n\t\t\t\t\"debt-dragon\"\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t
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Destroyer of Net Worth<\/h2>

The official uniform of catastrophic financial decisions- forged in the fiery breath of the Debt Dragon itself, for investors brave enough to lose everything and still ask their bank about increasing their limit.<\/p>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t

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\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\tThis is the one.\t\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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For the Animal Lovers<\/h2>

Your portfolio may be dead, but your sense of humor is still liquid.\nCelebrate your journey from investor to enthusiastic dumpster economist with this essential tee featuring a graph that looks like it fell down the stairs and a squirrel named Marvin who\u2019s absolutely judging your life decisions.<\/p>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t

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\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\tMarvin thinks you can do better.\t\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t
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We\u2019re not traders. We\u2019re trauma survivors.<\/h2>

Founded in a moment of sheer panic and caffeine overdose, Fuck Markets began as a group chat for people who lost money and their sanity in 2020.\nNow we\u2019re a full-blown anti-financial-media experiment dedicated to helping you laugh through your losses.<\/p>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t

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All in. All gone.<\/h2>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t
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In losses we trust<\/h2>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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Profit? never met her!<\/h2>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t
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Bear hugs only<\/h2>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t
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Merch for the Mentally Liquidated<\/h2>

Our merch store exists for one reason: retail therapy. When your net worth collapses, at least you can wrap yourself in a hoodie that says \u201cI Believed in Tech Stocks.\u201d Each purchase funds our caffeine habit and ongoing denial campaign. Because nothing says fiscal responsibility like spending $45 on irony.<\/p>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t

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\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\tGet Fucked\t\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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They Came. They Invested. They Cried. They Came Again.<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\"I turned $10,000 into $82\u2026 and a valuable life lesson about leverage. Fuck Markets didn\u2019t just ruin my portfolio- it gave me a personality.\"\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/h3>\n\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t

\n\t\t\t\t\t\tChad B., Former Millionaire (Now Roommate of Parents)\t\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\"After the crash, I lost my Lambo, my boyfriend, and my will to check CoinMarketCap. But thanks to F*ck Markets, I gained a meme collection that\u2019s priceless. Literally. No one will buy them.\"\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/h3>\n\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t

\n\t\t\t\t\t\tVanessa L., Ex-Crypto Queen\t\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\"I lost all my assets but found inner peace. My financial advisor ghosted me, but F*ck Markets\u2019 \u2018Coping Through Collapse\u2019 newsletter filled the void.\"\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/h3>\n\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t

\n\t\t\t\t\t\tPriya K., Spiritual Investor\t\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

where the bulls are fake, the bears are drunk, and the charts are all feelings welcome to fuck markets Real-Time Market Data* *All numbers may be imaginary. Some might even be from Monopoly. Asset Last Price 24h Change Sentiment Notes Bitcoin $69,420 +\u221e% \ud83d\ude80\ud83d\ude80\ud83d\ude80 \u201cNumber go up\u201d is a research methodology. Tesla $420.69 -13% \ud83d\ude43 […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":268,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"elementor_canvas","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-33","page","type-page","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry"],"yoast_head":"\nHome - Fuck Markets<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"noindex, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Home - Fuck Markets\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"where the bulls are fake, the bears are drunk, and the charts are all feelings welcome to fuck markets Real-Time Market Data* *All numbers may be imaginary. Some might even be from Monopoly. 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Some might even be from Monopoly. Asset Last Price 24h Change Sentiment Notes Bitcoin $69,420 +\u221e% \ud83d\ude80\ud83d\ude80\ud83d\ude80 \u201cNumber go up\u201d is a research methodology. 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